Crash

People with M.E. talk a lot about crashes, which are exacerbations of symptoms. A crash is very similar to a flair-up, but it tends to be prolonged.

The triggers, duration, and experiences of crashes differ by person, and by how advanced their M.E. is at the time. For some people a crash can be caused by changing position in bed. My crashes are usually caused by doing too much in a day, and I tend to extend them by trying to bounce back too quickly. In a typical week I can handle an outing of about an hour, plus a visit with family. It's important that I don't try to do much past that even if I feel ok, because crashes can occur a day or two later. Some days I do more than that, either out of stubbornness or because I decide that the risk of a crash is acceptable in exchange for the boost to my mental health that I get from going out and doing something fun.

I'm currently in the second week of a crash. I know what caused it and I know what has extended it. Even though I'm practising radical rest, life happens.

So what does a crash feel like? Some of my symptoms get dialed up to 11. My fatigue isn't just sleepiness, though I do tend to sleep most of the day. It's also muscle fatigue and can feel like moving through a pool of syrup. I get weak to the point where some of our cups and silverware are too heavy for me to use. I've had at least 2 experiences of collapsing when I tried to walk. My brain fog makes it difficult to understand what Daniel is saying, and at times I can't speak. It sounds scary, but the bright side of brain fog is that I don't realise how bad it is in the moment. See, I am an optimist. Other symptoms are sensitivity to light and sound. I don't watch much TV when I'm in a crash, and when I'm able to use my phone I set the brightness as low as possible. And nausea. Oh, the nausea. If I eat something, I feel sick. If I don't eat, I feel sick. Trial and error has shown that small meals work best for me.

There's no quick fix to getting out of a crash, just rest and doing as little as possible. It gets boring. I've started treating my energy as currency. I need to save up if I want to buy something, and if I make a purchase with credit I need to pay it back with interest. I wish I could say that crashes aren't the end of the world, but they're pretty brutal. And the more crashes a person experiences, they may lose the ability to bounce back to their pre-crash level. While I hope I get better one day, I've been able to accept that this may be with me for the rest of my life. I'm a hopeful realist.