Lying to Myself

A person I follow online who has M.E. wrote about documenting her difficult days so she can prove to her future self how bad she actually felt. That resonated with me so much because I thought I was alone in that. On my better days my mind tends to block the memory of the difficult days. I'm not sure if it's a trick my mind plays to protect my present self, or if I'm simply gaslighting myself. Either way, it doesn't actually help me or anyone else with M.E.

Even if my mind is trying to protect present me from the memory of just how bad the difficult days can be, it also works against me. It means that I forget to bring up new or worsening symptoms to my doctors. It also means that in assessments for disability benefits I may not accurately describe my worst or even average days accurately. If I lie to myself about my difficult days I don't pace accordingly, which increases the odds of feeling worse again sooner than I need to.

If I'm gaslighting myself, it's likely because I've internalised outside opinions about my condition. Honestly, I've had enough professionals give me harmful advice, I don't need to join in the chorus.

Finding out that I'm not alone felt wonderful. Now I don't feel so bad about it, and I'm learning to honestly and privately document my symptoms each day so I don't have to rely on my sugar-coated memory.