Toxic Positivity

I usually consider myself an optimistic realistic, I accept the things I cannot change and look on the bright side. But optimism isn't always the answer. I appreciate well wishes for my health but sometimes people venture into toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity may gaslight you by telling you that your experiences aren't as bad as you think, or that since other people are worse off your troubles and ill health don't matter. They may insinuate that you can get better if only you stay positive. The flip side of that is that it must be your fault if you stay sick. Unfortunately no chronic illness is that simple.

True optimism leaves room for acknowledging the bad in life and for expressing positive and negative emotions. Toxic positivity invalidates people's experiences and feelings, and can create guilt. It can come across as unsupportive. I recently heard someone tell a disabled friend, "you're strong, you can do this." That may be true, but sometimes people want validation and understanding that what they're going through is difficult. If you're not sure then it's easy to ask if the person wants a pep talk or space to vent. It's possible to do both by saying, "I think you're strong and that you can do this, but it sounds frustrating. Do you want to talk about it?"

I'm not saying that you need to tip-toe around people with chronic illnesses, disabilities, or anyone going through a difficult time. Just try to have some empathy, and when in doubt ask what the person will find helpful in that moment. Sometimes, "that really sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this," can be more appropriate than, "everything happens for a reason."