Embarrassed

I'm still dealing with my own internalised ableism. A friend invited me to an event, and while I wasn't feeling well enough to go, I realised something else that was holding me back. I didn't want to have to ask her to push me in my wheelchair. My wheelchair is classified as a transport chair, meaning it has smaller back wheels and I can't use it to self propel. Even if I had a traditional wheelchair, I lack the stamina to propel myself. I would have to ask for help, and that made me feel ashamed.

Normally the only person who pushes my wheelchair is my husband. I'm comfortable with him pushing me and I don't hesitate to ask him. But I feel like a burden if I have to ask anyone else. Logically, I know that's silly. My friend would have been ok wheeling me around, and probably considered that when she invited me. What's more, when someone pushes someone in a wheelchair they begin to get an idea of the inaccessibility of so many places. I know that the venue I was invited to has a front entrance that is too narrow for my wheelchair to fit through.

I also considered how crowded the event would be. When people can only get past others by shimmying sideways through the crowd, that means my wheelchair and I will have difficulty. Asking a wide swath of people to move makes me feel like a spectacle. I may as well clang a bell while yelling "make way for the disabled!" Essentially, I felt what while I was welcomed at the location, my wheelchair wouldn't have been. Not everyone realises that a wheelchair is an extension of the person using it.

Now I have to work on getting comfortable asking my friends to push my wheelchair. I don't go out very often and when I do I go to places where I know I can stay seated or can use my wheelchair. If I get invited out and I'm actually feeling well enough to go, I'd hate to miss out because I'm too embarrassed to ask for help.