My Ableism

It took me over a year to identify as disabled. I kept telling myself that I wasn't doing that badly, that just because I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do didn't mean I was disabled. 'Disabled' described people worse off than myself. I'm not that kind of disabled.

In reality a disability is a condition that limits your activities. That obviously describes me. But there is so much stigma around disability that even disabled people deal with their own internal ableism. I know that I do.

Judith Heumann once said, "Disability is difference, it is not deficiency." Society tells us that disability should be pitied and abhorred. No one wants to be pitied and treated as less than for being different. We all just want to be.

I think that my ableism is because I don't want to be thought of as less than I was. Losing the ability to do what I want, when I want, has eaten away at my sense of self. I used to pride myself on my independence. Without my independence, my hobbies, or my job, who am I now? In truth I feel like I am less than I was. Writing that makes me cringe. While it's the truth, I don't want pity. I don't want reassurance that I'm still the same person that I was, not when I don't feel like it. My life has changed significantly.

My other fear in identifying as disabled is being infantilized. People who don't know you will applaud you for merely existing if you're in a wheelchair. There's a lot of cooing and "good for you!"ing. I may not be able to work due to my disability, but a lot of people with disabilities can work, and not just in jobs that society deems menial. Yet I've heard their stories of being dismissed with phrases like, "How nice that you have a little job to go to!" Gag. These additudes have always made me bristle, even as a child. I do not like being talked down to.

My internal ableism also comes from not wanting to be a burden. I want to be the caretaker, not the one receiving care. I helped care for 2 of my Grandparents. When we moved to Australia I thought I could help care for Daniel's parents if they ever needed it, and care for my own parents, and take care of Daniel. Now, not only can I not care for family members, Daniel is officially my carer. I'm grateful that my disability hasn't changed our relationship dynamic very much, but every now and then it creeps into my mind - what if I'm holding him back?

I wonder if I would cling to this ableism if society was different, if it hadn't sold these lies throughout history. There are people out there who think disabled people are disposable, that it would be better if we didn't exist. They cite 'natural selection,' yet how different would the world be if Stephen Hawking hadn't existed?

While I still hold onto some of my internal ableism, I've started identifying as disabled. I am disabled, and that's ok. Many other disabled people before me have shown me that there is nothing wrong with being disabled. What's wrong is a world that isn't accessible, and people who still view different as bad.